They are a common sight: in cities you have bill posters, in towns you have plastic notices stuck to lampposts on roundabouts. They entice you to come to OCEANA or other hellish-sounding places and see DJ EZ (it’s always him, I don’t know why. Possibly Mr EZ is affiliated to Hertfordshire and other areas have their own regular pull-ins, or perhaps he got a job lot of corrugated plastic and figured it was as good a way as any to lure A-road drivers to see his unique brand of plate-spinning). Sometimes they are for an underage night, you can imagine Georgia and Luke* scribbling down the address in the back of their homework books, ready to bargain with Mummy and Daddy later.
They always look slightly illicit and temporary and perhaps that is their success, although if you believe you are going to an underground rave on a Thursday night in an Oceana, you probably need to revisit your expectations.
The one that caught my eye earlier this week as I headed up the A41 to Watford was for an OVER 30s NIGHT at a GOLF CLUB in RUISLIP. I get the point of underage nights, but one for the over-30s? I have not been able to get this idea out of my head and can’t stop wondering what such a thing might entail, and why. Speaking from this age bracket myself, instinctively it sounds like the most unappetising offering for a Friday night I can imagine; even worse than staying in and watching Pete Vs Life. Maybe.
Is it for ageing ravers who hate seeing their scene overtaken by meow-meow kids dancing to faux-techno and want to get down and dirty to some more purist beats? That can’t be it, it clearly states on the poster: SMART DRESS – NO TRAINERS. I’m thinking the soundtrack will be more James Blunt and Coldplay, drugs of choice Valium and omega-3 supplements. Perhaps Dizzee Rascal and a line for the more daring. Guests will consider themselves sophisticated but have an air of premature-ageing desperation. Perhaps the venue is a clue. Wood-panelled walls, fluorescent lighting in the trophy cabinets. Do these people congregate to discuss their swing and their, er, iron? (My golfing knowledge is limited.) But if so, then why advertise so broadly? They might get people turning up who prefer squash, or bridge. Horrors**.
Maybe they are just bitter about being OVER 30 and don’t want to risk bumping into any joyful 23-year-olds, casually enjoying life with no interest in mortgages and teething issues. Maybe I’m being unfair and they just want to avoid people who think Nick Grimshaw is cool.
I suppose it could be a singles’ night, but somehow to me it says very loudly, couples only. The only people I can imagine seeing the sign and attending are called Charles and Tilly*. They pull up at the lights and clock the notice. “Blimey! Write that address down, Tills. We’ll give it a go next Friday night. There might be swingers!”. Ah yes, that’s it. That’s what that notice says to me. All that remains is to book the babysitter and dig out the rubber underwear.
*Some names have been changed.
**Not The Horrors. Maybe Jamie Cullum if things need livening up a bit.
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