not quite normal

To the centre and on

The pendulum swings

Life carries on

But not quite normal. 

The little life I held inside me

Has been incinerated with dignity

While its living sleeping bag 

Drips, seeps slowly out of me. 

I am not quite normal

My pendulum will continue

But forever miss a beat

There has been no dignity. 

Sometimes at night

Sometimes at night when I am holding you

I see the face of the man you will become

The angle of your cheek

The o of your mouth

Tell me your future

More than the palm of your hand

Sometimes it is as though I am holding an adult in my arms

Instead of the child I would protect with my life

Moments or minutes later

Your face returns to its soft childishness

Plump skin and lips and cheeks

I see him still

My son the man

I can't believe you're mine and I get to keep you

Kamikaze tears leap from my eyes
Drawn by the gravity of your face
Your hot chubby hand
Fingers curled around my thumb
"I love you. Don't leave me"
Whispered into uncomprehending ears
I watch the rise and fall of your chest
You are the centre of my world.

With every breath I know
I want you to mourn my death one day
I want you to outlive me
I kiss you
I can't believe you're mine and I get to keep you.

beautiful lie

Strange living in a twilight world
Where no-one knows
The only thing that matters to me

Strange to be living a lie
A beautiful lie
Held close so close to me

Pushing away all that can harm
Turning away from words
Not letting anyone in to see

Crack

Crack
Out like a light
Smack of torch on head
Echoing in my darkness
Taking out all the brightness
Breaking glass on skull
Spark out in the hallway
Stars circling my mindframe
Cry out to the bloody heavens
Cut back to the moment
Snap neck back and feel it
Crack

good intentions

I'm meant to be writing one of these every day
A rhyming couplet, a stanza, a short
The pressure's too much, though nobody knows
So it's only in my own head I'm caught
I'd like to have some stamina, some staying power, some will
But the voices in my head remain thought
I don't regret the good intent, the time I've spent to take a pen
And write a verse or two or one or nought.

quiet

Say nothing
Let's never speak of this again.