winning words

The lights come up. The three men look a bit pink, is it the lighting or has someone ordered too many red rads to keep them warm in the cavernous setting? DD has a jaunty tie, like AS and the other one before. The acoustics are great; or awful, depending on your point of view. They are not assisting Nick in his attempt to personalise each answer. He gazes at me, meaningfully. They all say ‘children’ a lot. Stop saying children. Have Dave’s teeth always looked like that? Twitter is concerned over his shiny chin. Gordon has the nicest voice, but to be fair he doesn’t have to share one like Nick and Dave. Dave says ‘damn’. The room heats up. Gordon speaks of pent-up needs and offers help in squalid rooms. Nick Clegg’s words have stopped.. words.. people… person. Breathe, Nick. Someone should wind up that key in his back. Gordon says he will scratch my back, just there, below the surface. Nick offers friends with benefits and promises to respect me in the morning. Dave says that if I have a perfectly serviceable boyfriend, I cannot fuck Nick Clegg. I start worrying about the Swingometer: how will it work in a three horse race? Tax is dull. Whoever gets in, everyone will end up feeling hard done by. Why do the 76 rules not include one for not telling questioners about how much they respect their career choices? Gordon claims that Dave will cut children’s hair to unacceptable levels. Dave says he has some children. Did you hear that? Actual children. Nick splits an infinitive. Gord says ‘millyons’. I love it when he says that. Dave says he loves me, really he does. If I get pregnant he will rub my back. He will keep things fresh between us. Nick says he loves me. Really though. If I get pregnant, he will deliver the baby himself. He will find new approaches. Gordon says he loves me. Millyons. He will pay for an emergency caesarean. He says we match, belong together. Grr. I am exhausted, spent. So many words, so much said. I feel light-headed. Thanks, boys.
p.s. the words in this review may not have appeared exactly as quoted.